I had always wanted a JEEP.  I wanted one before I could even drive and had been not very secretly coveting it ever since I could remember.  I was 28 and in the second year of my doctoral program when I finally was able to choose to buy one.  It wasn’t a fancy one, but it was mine.  I enjoyed doing small repairs on my own red jeep that would do a max of 62 MPH going down hill with the wind at my back and it did not have AC but I was a happy man.  If you have ever owned a jeep wrangler or had a friend that owned one you know a few things that are unique to the ‘club’ you join when you buy a wrangler, its a jeep thing… There is even a wave that each jeep driver uses; two fingers up from your hand on the steering wheel as you pass a fellow jeep driver and the wave is usually returned.  It was a lot of fun to own and drive.  I was toasty during the summers in North Texas but the heater worked like a charm and you could bake bread inside of 3 minutes after starting up the engine even on the coldest day that DFW could throw at me.

Then the strangest thing happened.  Within a few weeks of buying my new ride I noticed an odd phenomenon, there were jeeps EVERY WHERE; and not just jeeps, but tons of red jeeps.  It did not take me long to figure out that there was no increase in the jeep production, nor was there a sharp increase in the number of jeeps on the road… I just noticed them now.  As a young therapist a very simple concept struck me… we tend to see what we look for.  Its true in jeep ownership and its true in life and in relationships.  We tend to see what we look for.

If you find yourself surrounded by good things its probably because you are looking for them, and the inverse is usually equally true.  As is true with many principles that make up a satisfying life this maximum is not magic and its also not easy to implement.  Changing your view is a slow and deliberate process.

In the field of counseling and psychology there is a term for this, “phenomenology.’  Its related to the concept that our experience defines our reality.  Have you ever experienced the longest minute as you waited for a loved one to come out from surgery? Have you ever thought that the day with special friends from far off, [Germany for me] seemed to just fly by?  That’s phenomenology at work, your experience defines your reality.  The slow and deliberate process of looking at your world requires intentional and deliberate decisions related to what you choose to focus on.

If you find a reoccurring theme in your life, relationships, or your work then take a minute and reflect on what it reminds you of… a previous boss, a former romance, or even a place and time.  You might be surprised that your own view has been influenced and therefore your experience is.  If its a good thing then do more of it, and if it doesn’t work well for you then work at changing some small part of the dynamic that you have control of.  Its not instant and its no miracle cure but it sure is a practical way to influence your life in a  manner you can actually choose to.  Its made a significant difference to me in my life and work and thankfully I’m all the happier for it. Give it a try if you are inclined.

And be on the look out for all those red jeeps out there!

It was a huge trip for me.  I was taking a vacation alone for the first time, and it was my first vacation as a single dad.  I found my new role both freeing and uncomfortable at the same time.  You see, being a single parent means you get to make all the decisions yourself but the other side is that you have to make all the decisions yourself; bed time, snacks, plans for the day, empty the dishwasher, clean the toilets, paint the living room, pick up the play room, grocery shopping… you get the idea, ALL the decisions.

It was the night before I was leaving for Belize and my big trip when I was cleaning the kids toys up after they went to sleep, and I smoothly stepped on a plastic house and cut the big toe on my left foot wide open.  Two things quickly went through my mind as I hobbled to the bathtub to clean my cut and elevate my foot, “First, that is going to require stitches and secondly, no one in their right mind would go to a beach in a third world country with an open wound like that, especially on your foot.”  Frustration and disappointment would be an understatement to describe that split second as the thoughts and feelings raced through my mind.  I called my ex wife to arrange for her to get the kids and after she arrived I drove to the emergency room for stitches.  I changed my reservations the next day and was on my way about two weeks later with a healing toe and ambitions for a great beach trip with great food, culture, views, and alone time.

I arrived on Ambergris Key and made my way to my hotel on the beach.  I got my bag to my room and quickly put on my swim suit to head to the beach.  The first thing I wanted to do was get in the water.  Now the islands off the coast of Belize are protected by the second largest coral reef in the world.  There are no huge crashing waves along the beach, and the water is more like a bay with plant life close to the waters edge and docks that extend out into the calm waters.  I walked out the closest pier where local kids were jumping in the water and having a general good time.  I asked how deep the water was but my spanish did not seem to get the idea across, and they just commented, ‘okay to jump.’  I jumped in and quickly wished I had spent more time in my undergraduate spanish class to learn to learn the word for ‘depth.’  I jumped in and found the 3 foot deep water inadequate for a grown man and promptly twisted my ankle on the opposing foot from my healing toe.  I had some serious questions about my luck as I cursed under my breath and limped back to my hotel near by.  I still remember exactly where I was on the landing of stairs between the first and second floors at the Banana Beach Resort [honest, thats the name of the place] when I thought to myself one of the lessons from my little league years as a not so stellar right fielder and my coaches mantra any time something hurt or got twisted, “walk it off.”  I paused and wondered silently if there was a parallel in the internal realm of mental health.  It hit me like the bottom of the ocean had done just a few minutes before, WALK IT OFF… if somethings hurts use it until it doesn’t hurt.  It was at that moment that I took an active decision to apply this lesson from my coach from West University Little League and apply it to my life as a grown man, a Dad, and a psychotherapist.  IF SOMETHING HURTS THEN USE IT UNTIL IT DOESN’T.  I was blown away as I came to see and address the difficulties in my life as the greatest source of healing in my life; all of the sudden the things that were most intimidating and perceived as even too difficult to talk about at times were the most healing.  As an individual, I found it freeing to go directly to a problem or concern; it did not automatically resolve the conflict or issue, but it surely removed the perceived intimidation and usually began the process of resolution.  As a dad, I found it much easier to address the real concern rather than dance around the situational symptoms as a single parent, co parent, and father to 2 kids.  As a therapist, I found it allowed my clients the freedom to directly address the concern or issue; as I pointed out the root issue or poked around until we could identify the keystone and it began the process of their own ability to do the same.

When you find something hurts, walk it off.  You might be surprised at the result….

When I was growing up we had a really odd dog named CoCo Loco.  The name fit because the dog was unusual in the fact that it liked to sleep in the middle of the street.  Now that was not of huge impact for the most part because we lived on a quiet street in a small neighborhood in the middle of Houston in the 70s.  It was a great place to live and grow up.  So I am guessing you know how this story ends… our poor dog ended up taking one nap too many in the street and was run over and died.  At least we were not told it had gone off to a farm to live….

It was in my early 20s that I came to borrow the experiences of my dearly loved and loco dog to apply to my own personal life and my developing life as a psychotherapist.  I came to understand that there are times in life where we feel run over by others.  It might be in the wake of another ambitions, it might be as a casualty of our own naiveté, or it might just be by accident.  What ever the case it never feels good.  I came to see life through the eyes of the little white dog and made an active decision: IF YOU LAY DOWN IN THE STREET, EVEN THE NICEST PERSON IN THE WORLD WILL RUN RIGHT OVER YOU… SO DON’T LAY DOWN IN THE STREET.

Now this lesson is , like many facets of the human condition, much easier to talk about and even write about than to put into practice.  The next time you feel run over just ask yourself what your part in this experience was; if you were laying down in the street you will need to get yourself up or you might end up feeling like poor CoCo Loco.